Learning what I already knew...My Disneyland Race Experience

Over two weeks later and I am just now doing my Disneyland Half recap. I needed some time to ponder the race and what it taught me. I guess 13.1 miles didn’t give me enough time! But I honestly needed this time to truly reflect on the experience.

So we have to start back in February. I was still amazed that I was actually enjoying my runs. I HATE running and only signed up to do the Princess as a way of improving my overall conditioning. But by February I needed my long runs. They were essential to my well being! Encouraged by my FB fellow princesses I elected to do Disneyland. I wanted to have another goal to keep myself running and the idea of the Coast to Coast was so tempting. Now mind you, I signed up for Disneyland before I actually ran Princess. So I may have been putting the cart before the horse.  But it proved to be a very good thing as the race sold out BEFORE Princess Weekend. 

Fast forward a little and find me training with a Galloway group. I have 2 halves completed by this time and have signed up for Goofy.  In prep for my Disney Goofy run, I am training for Space Coast Full Marathon in November.  My original goal for Disneyland was to run it faster and maybe even get to a longer interval ratio. But with Space Coast and Goofy in my future, I dialed my goal back a little. My fastest half was a road race with a time of 2:33 something. I aimed to do as many picture stops as I wanted AND do a 2:30 half.  (I believe reality dictates that I mention a couple of things. When I started, I had to work to do a 15 minute mile. I ran for 6 months before I could consistently do a sub 10 minute mile. Heehee)

Here is what I have discovered, you can have the full Disney Experience or you can focus on a time goal. What you cannot do successfully is both! Or at least , I can’t.  The entire race was such a blur for me. I spent time evaluating if things were worth it to do, savor or skip because of the time required.  While I swear we ran into the sun for most of the race, it wouldn’t have mattered to me. I smiled at the little hula dancers and mariachi kids. I cheered with the cheerleaders and clapped for the bands. I smiled and waved at the classic car owners. But honestly, they only got 1/3 of my attention. I was focused on the clock and beating that time. 

I did not make my time goal. I ran the race in 2:43 something. This is still 17 minutes faster than my Princess time. I certainly took more pictures and ran faster overall.  So I kind of accomplished both goals. But it cost me so much. I spent quite a few days disappointed at my time. I had a senior moment and forgot my princess time so I thought it was a little slower. Then as I read other people’s recaps, I realized I had missed so much of the race.  In some cases, people described things I don’t remember seeing. In others we saw the same things but they really took them in.  I missed the experience. I forgot why I was running.

See running is my anti competition event. I am just in a race against myself and my previous time. I do work hard to get faster each time I do a race. But I normally just use the time as a way to gauge my progress.  I don’t stress about a time goal and I don’t beat myself up if I miss it. Each race is so different. You cannot ever depend on a specific pace or finish. I know this and I accept it. I am not in it for that purpose.  But I forgot that at Disneyland. The real rub is Disney Races are not necessarily time races. You pay extra for the experience.  So not only did I cheat myself out of my running zen; I cheated myself financially too! 

My new goal is to enjoy the run and let the finish time work itself out. You know I was doing that before. I just got caught up in the hype. I went from being happy to just having the ability to run to thinking I was the bees knees. I run because I love it. I run because it brings me clarity and peace. I am going to remember that from now on! My motto was, is and will always be - I run because I can....

What's eating me? - Food part two

So my self-discovery journey continues. I spent some great girl time with a dear friend this weekend. She helped me explore my relationship to food even more.  Egads people, I have some real food issues. :)

First, let me interrupt this program for an emergency announcement. I tend to obsess about things. I also tend to take anything to an extreme. I know, shocking…  Now, back to our regularly schedule program.

We had a discussion about rewards and balance.  Even as I recognized that my relationship with food needed work, I didn’t really think about balance. I wasn’t really concerned about if my new ideals were realistic or healthy. I just liked that they were new and maybe they would be my secret weapon.  

See my new diet was working but I felt bad. I wrote last week about accepting myself as I am. I was coming to this realization because I really felt like I had to move on to the next phase of my new regime. The first phase just was not bringing me all the benefits I wanted and the ones that were there came at too high of a cost.  But I felt like a loser for not being able to stick to the plan. I needed someone to tell me it was ok to move on.

News flash! If something is not working and you move on, you are not a loser. It is not a character weakness to decide that you want to change your diet. Now, if I was looking for approval to eat junk food we would be having a different discussion.  But I am running crazy distances and the lack of carbs was not working. As my friend pointed out, books are set for 1 size fits all but you have to tweak for yourself if it is ever going to work. If I wanted to move on that was probably better for me than sticking to the plan no matter what.

Then we talked about rewards.  I feel bad that I reward myself with food. It can be incredibly self sabotaging. Now, I don’t believe in denying myself either. That method is a great way to BINGE on things. But why is the “reward” for a success cheesecake.  My friend asked me what it would be instead. Rewards are pleasure seeking things. They are supposed to make us feel good. If I don’t want to use food ok, but recognize that no reward may be healthy or good or practical. It is not really supposed to be. So use moderation and caution but give myself permission to reward myself. 

But what I got out of the conversation was more than approval – for moving on or for having rewards. I realized that I really do not have a healthy balanced relationship with food. I am using food as something more than energy for my body. I have made it more than yummy tasteful stuff to enjoy. I have made it into almost an idol. I am spending way too much time serving the god of Food when it should be serving me and my activities.

I am left with big questions to answer. I won’t lie I have no clue what the answers may be; I am still figuring out the questions! But I feel like I am slowly but surely getting to the right start. If I can keep pushing toward the questions, I can start working on the answers.  I know this will be hard. I felt something in me panic the more we talked. But I know one thing – I have NEVER backed away from the good fight!   

This post is so similar to last week’s post. When you come to the same conclusion from two different directions, you should pay attention.  I think this is what I need to work on right now. I think I am ready to do this. 

I do know that I am determined to take this journey. I will learn to accept myself. I will learn how to eat to be the best me I can be. I will learn to find and keep balance. I will also take a deep breath and go do something else.  I am positive part of being balanced is learning to NOT obsess. :)

Food – Glorious Food

I am from the south with a grandmother that could cook heaven on earth.  I am an emotional eater – dopamine is good feeling stuff.  I have always worried about my weight, lack of tone and shape.  All of this is to say, I have spent a better part of my life obsessing about food.  I like it. I like to eat it. It likes me too and likes to stay around me as fat!!

Last year, I was finally able to make a lifestyle change and lose almost 30 pounds. I am 5’2 people. 30 pounds means I was very overweight!  At first, I was very good about maintaining those good habits. Then as you might suspect, I got a little lazy. But no worries – I had found running and it saved me. Then after a while, I compensated for that too. L  Eventually, I found myself 3 pounds heavier than my desired weight and I couldn’t get rid of it.  Now, I get that 3 pounds is not a lot but it is 10% of my total weight loss.  Plus, most ladies will tell you, 3 pounds becomes 30 pounds with 1 french fry!

Realistically, my new weight was not a bad weight. I felt pretty good. I looked good mostly. But my tummy was the home of the new 3 pounds. I could already see the end of the road. Too tight pants morphing into a new size morphing into fat Stacey returns.  Plus, it just sucks to work so hard and still have a fat tummy.

So I researched and found another new thing to try. By posting on FB, I also got advice from a skating buddy. Life changing moment peeps. See, all of my focus was on food and how to eat it. But my friend helped me look at my relationship with food. Why I had the thoughts I did about food? Why I reacted as I did and what I was really after? You know what; I was focusing on food because I didn’t want to focus on me.  I didn’t want to acknowledge that my goal and self image may be a little out of whack.

I am such a work in progress. But how fortunate that we can grow and change. I may always have my food tummy. I may never have rock hard abs. But I am ok with that. I will eat right. I will continue to skate and run and do all the supporting activities for those sports. I will continue to condition and strengthen. I will love my body that lets me do these things. More than that I will accept that body and honor it. And I will learn to view food as just fuel; nothing more and nothing less.  I have to remember I may not be where I want to be but at least I am trying to get there!

Despicable Me

I have been one big grouch for a couple of weeks. I mean full on prickly everything is wrong just irritated at the world 24/7. Think a walking cactus with a grudge. Lol. It has been awful. But I am better now. 

Of course, I didn’t like being grouchy. It isn’t fun and is kind of exhausting. I am also big on pondering. So I wanted to know why I was grouchy. I was hoping finding the answer would make it go away. (This is my basic life philosophy. Figure it out, fix it and then all is right with the world. ) After about 10 seconds, I realized it was because I am a horrible person. The truth hurts but eh… It is what it is.

Let me say, this is not an attempt to get my friends to say that I am wonderful. I am a pretty decent person. As the bible says, only God is good but I try my best with his help. I think I am a good friend or at least my friends can tolerate me for short periods of time.  So I don’t really need reassurances that I am the bee’s knees. I am instead confessing to some habits and tendency that make me a horrible person.  I am quite despicable and it came back to bite me. 

• Self Absorbed – I spend quite a bit of time thinking about myself. I think about what I want to do next; what my next objective will be. I am constantly evaluating my performance, my habits etc. I spend a lot of time by myself and that time is spent in contemplation… about me.
•   Inflated ego – I think I am a pretty good – insert anything here. I think I am a pretty good programmer; mom; skater; runner; employee; person. I am definitely convinced that I have great opinions on everything. I am quite sure that most people are idiots.. except for me and most of my friends.  Perhaps, I should also add judgmental to the list
• Attention hog – I love for people to notice what I am doing and compliment me. But none of those backhanded compliments. Those are just insults. People should recognize my greatness for what it is.. GREATNESS
•  Machiavellian – I will do whatever is necessary to get what I want. I will listen to you babble about your stuff so I can talk about myself uninterrupted. I will even let you go first because the second person gets to talk the longest. (That is a free tip from me to you!)

Seriously people, I am despicable…  I have been grouchy because other people have not been thinking about me or showering me with praise or even allowing me to get what I want. Oh, the inhumanity of it all.  Or maybe I have just been a little tired, hungry and lonely. 

My new schedule is just hard. I am pushing myself in ways I never have before. Ever. This is not me returning to my glory days. This is me doing things I should have done while young. J Not only am I working at becoming an athlete but I am doing it by waking up at 4 am. I hate being a morning person. I would rather stay up until 4 am than wake up at 4 am.  So I am very tired.

Added to that fun are the new nutritional demands of my body. I am a horrible eater in general. Since I lost weight I have corrected some habits but not my preferences. I still eat way too MUCH fast food and way too LITTLE fresh food and veggies.  This is not good for maintaining my new weight or for supporting my body. These new activities take fuel and the right fuel.  So I am very hungry.

But the real thing is I am lonely. Having my baby home makes me realize I spend a lot of time alone. Just having her in the house to watch TV with is amazing. I love that she is here and we can share time together. I love that we schedule things to be sure we do maximize this time. And it is that fact that really drives home the point. See she is making an effort to do something with me- just me.  I do all sorts of group things. I spend time with lots of people. But she is making it all about me. I like that. I want more of it.  

I feel better now. I rested. I ate better.  I ,also, got a couple of me moments from my long lost twin. She let me vent without interruption during a shopping visit.  She noticed I was fighting fear big time while skating and told me to breath. She gave me her attention just because and she gave it all to me for those moments.  She is the best.  Between her thoughtfulness and my DD’s love, I got over my grouchy mood.

I also got better because while the truth hurts it is what it is. I am lonely and that is ok. It makes me accept more social invitations. It keeps me from being a hermit locked in a room reading. It is keeping me open to the idea of dating and socializing with strangers.  It is forcing me to make real connections with people instead of sitting back and watching the action.  God let me feel this loneliness to remind me I need other people. I need to enjoy the connections and stop focusing on myself. I need to get a life and get over myself.  I will embrace this truth; learn its hard lessons and be better for it. 

I should probably also work on those despicable me attributes too.   

What about you? Have you learned any hard truths about yourself lately? What are you going to do with the information?

This is it

You are supposed to train like it is competition and compete like it is training. The idea behind this simple gem is basically fool your brain so you can relax and get it done. I have never really understood this truth until two weekends ago in Cleveland.

My Theatre on Ice team was in Cleveland to do our Choreographic Exercise and our Free skate. We were not only competing for National ranking but a berth on the US team to go to Nation’s Cup in Spain. No pressure right… Oh, did I mention that they were only going to send 2 adult teams to Nation’s Cup. So if we wanted to go, we needed to win. No worries, the reigning champions had only won the event EVERY year!! Oy

I was way nervous all year. I am the lowest level skater on the planet trying to skate with superb skaters. I fake so many steps I am not sure I did one sequence as choreographed. Lol.  So I spent the better part of the year just hoping I could blend in. Then add to that the actual pressure of competition and our chance to represent the US internationally. Yay, I was a little stressed.

My coach told me it would be fine. Competing with the team is not nearly as stressful as solo competition. I could only hope she was right as it was way too late to change my mind. And like most sage wisdom offered by coaches, she was, in fact, right! 

I stepped onto our practice ice and took a deep breath. Then I took a few more. I just told myself to let go and get it done. Even with all my faking, I did have muscle memory. I found myself going through the routines just like I do at home. Since I gave it my all at every practice, this was not a bad thing. 

In fact, it was great! The trick worked.  By the time my mind re-engaged we were seconds away from our second skate being over in the actual competition. I got through 3 practices. I competed 2 events. 5 times on the ice without sheer panic overwhelming me. My body just acted like it was a practice.  My mind relaxed. Dare I say it, it was actually fun! 

When I realized it was over, I was so amazed. I had done it and enjoyed it.  This was it. This was all that hard work coming together. This was the wisdom of practicing like competition coming true for me. I love it when you are smart enough to listen to the wisdom around you!

What about you? Have you found some old gem to be true recently? Ever you amazed at just how true it was?

The Mustard Seed

The story of my start to skate goes like this – a random joke with my daughter; a friend suddenly deciding to skate; my daughter sharing the joke with her coach; hearing a piece of music that I wanted to skate a program to and finally convincing my friend that I would support her mad whim if she supported mine!  It was a series of completely random, out of the blue moments. But, yet it wasn’t; not really.

See my skating dream started as a kid watching figure skating on TV. We would write the dates of any televised events on the calendar to be sure we wouldn’t miss them. After each show, we would strap on the socks and skate on the wood/tile floors. We were pretty good – meaning no one was ever injured in our floor skating.

Then I had a little athlete that needed a sport that allowed her to progress or not at her own level without waiting for her peers.  As luck would have it, a rink was opening near us. It seemed like the perfect outlet.  Once she was firmly hooked, I realized that I could very easily start living my girlhood dreams through her.  I NEVER wanted that so I started taking lessons. I learned a few moves. I did a show and a competition. Then I decided some dreams belong to childhood and moved on.

But that little seed of an idea – an adult Stacey skating – never really died. It went into hiding. Sure enough once we moved to Florida, I found myself back on the ice. Once again, I did a couple of lessons and then put it away again. Mustard seeds are tough stuff. Because my dream still didn’t die. It just waited for the right moment.

Finally, the moment came. My little athlete was grown. My budget no longer had to support her sport. My time was not only my own but wide open. So I made a joke with my daughter; a friend suddenly decided to skate; my daughter shared our joke with her coach; I heard a piece of music that I wanted to skate a program to and this time the seed was growing into a tree! 

See that dream propelled me to lose weight (to skate better); to start exercising (to skate faster, better and with more control); to form new friendships (adult skaters at TWO rinks). I tell everyone who will listen that skating changed my life.  I mean it! I am in better shape at (cough) 41 than I have ever been!

I have spent months wondering why this time was different. I wondered what inspired me to act this time. Why I was able to make this HUGE commitment to skating now. But then I realized that this thing, this dream has been growing a long time. I was just lucky enough that it didn’t die while it waited for the right time to grow. No, I was not lucky; I was blessed!

By the way, do you know that the mustard seed is the smallest seed but the biggest tree? You should see how big my dream tree is!

Frodo Effect

I have what my friend calls the Frodo Effect. It is the perfect description for how I feel. I just competed in the Theater on Ice National competition over the weekend. This was the culmination of a two year plan. It was amazing. But now I am in the post event let down phase. I have new goals and adventures planned but I just don’t want to leave this moment behind yet. I miss it already. 

It probably doesn’t help that I am super tired this week. Or that I have almost no motivation to do anything besides my have to dos. I have no fun projects at work. In fact, this week was all grunt work. I have no fun plans at home. The only real highlight was my DD coming home. But even that was bitter sweet as it just added to my schedule fun. 

It also doesn’t help that I just want to spend all of my time reliving the moment. I want to blog about why I started skating. I want to blog about my teammates and the fun we had. I want to blog about the event. I want to blog about how I realized over the weekend that we all struggle with something. I want to blog about becoming National Champs and being selected to skate in Spain!  I want to blog about all of this and I know I will soon!  

But for now, I am just getting through my Frodo moment. I understand his reaction at the end of the journey so much better now. The journey changes you. You can never be the person you were before the journey again. Adventure demands a price and it takes it. Your heart cannot be unchanged by that. 

I am so lucky though. My adventure gave me so much more than it ever took. Unlike Frodo, my journey let me finally see me at my best. I am proud of who and what I have become. I just need to rest and recoup so I can begin the next grand adventure.

I wonder what it will be…..