Despicable Me

I have been one big grouch for a couple of weeks. I mean full on prickly everything is wrong just irritated at the world 24/7. Think a walking cactus with a grudge. Lol. It has been awful. But I am better now. 

Of course, I didn’t like being grouchy. It isn’t fun and is kind of exhausting. I am also big on pondering. So I wanted to know why I was grouchy. I was hoping finding the answer would make it go away. (This is my basic life philosophy. Figure it out, fix it and then all is right with the world. ) After about 10 seconds, I realized it was because I am a horrible person. The truth hurts but eh… It is what it is.

Let me say, this is not an attempt to get my friends to say that I am wonderful. I am a pretty decent person. As the bible says, only God is good but I try my best with his help. I think I am a good friend or at least my friends can tolerate me for short periods of time.  So I don’t really need reassurances that I am the bee’s knees. I am instead confessing to some habits and tendency that make me a horrible person.  I am quite despicable and it came back to bite me. 

• Self Absorbed – I spend quite a bit of time thinking about myself. I think about what I want to do next; what my next objective will be. I am constantly evaluating my performance, my habits etc. I spend a lot of time by myself and that time is spent in contemplation… about me.
•   Inflated ego – I think I am a pretty good – insert anything here. I think I am a pretty good programmer; mom; skater; runner; employee; person. I am definitely convinced that I have great opinions on everything. I am quite sure that most people are idiots.. except for me and most of my friends.  Perhaps, I should also add judgmental to the list
• Attention hog – I love for people to notice what I am doing and compliment me. But none of those backhanded compliments. Those are just insults. People should recognize my greatness for what it is.. GREATNESS
•  Machiavellian – I will do whatever is necessary to get what I want. I will listen to you babble about your stuff so I can talk about myself uninterrupted. I will even let you go first because the second person gets to talk the longest. (That is a free tip from me to you!)

Seriously people, I am despicable…  I have been grouchy because other people have not been thinking about me or showering me with praise or even allowing me to get what I want. Oh, the inhumanity of it all.  Or maybe I have just been a little tired, hungry and lonely. 

My new schedule is just hard. I am pushing myself in ways I never have before. Ever. This is not me returning to my glory days. This is me doing things I should have done while young. J Not only am I working at becoming an athlete but I am doing it by waking up at 4 am. I hate being a morning person. I would rather stay up until 4 am than wake up at 4 am.  So I am very tired.

Added to that fun are the new nutritional demands of my body. I am a horrible eater in general. Since I lost weight I have corrected some habits but not my preferences. I still eat way too MUCH fast food and way too LITTLE fresh food and veggies.  This is not good for maintaining my new weight or for supporting my body. These new activities take fuel and the right fuel.  So I am very hungry.

But the real thing is I am lonely. Having my baby home makes me realize I spend a lot of time alone. Just having her in the house to watch TV with is amazing. I love that she is here and we can share time together. I love that we schedule things to be sure we do maximize this time. And it is that fact that really drives home the point. See she is making an effort to do something with me- just me.  I do all sorts of group things. I spend time with lots of people. But she is making it all about me. I like that. I want more of it.  

I feel better now. I rested. I ate better.  I ,also, got a couple of me moments from my long lost twin. She let me vent without interruption during a shopping visit.  She noticed I was fighting fear big time while skating and told me to breath. She gave me her attention just because and she gave it all to me for those moments.  She is the best.  Between her thoughtfulness and my DD’s love, I got over my grouchy mood.

I also got better because while the truth hurts it is what it is. I am lonely and that is ok. It makes me accept more social invitations. It keeps me from being a hermit locked in a room reading. It is keeping me open to the idea of dating and socializing with strangers.  It is forcing me to make real connections with people instead of sitting back and watching the action.  God let me feel this loneliness to remind me I need other people. I need to enjoy the connections and stop focusing on myself. I need to get a life and get over myself.  I will embrace this truth; learn its hard lessons and be better for it. 

I should probably also work on those despicable me attributes too.   

What about you? Have you learned any hard truths about yourself lately? What are you going to do with the information?