So my self-discovery journey continues. I spent some great
girl time with a dear friend this weekend. She helped me explore my
relationship to food even more. Egads
people, I have some real food issues. :)
First, let me interrupt this program for an emergency
announcement. I tend to obsess about things. I also tend to take anything to an
extreme. I know, shocking… Now, back to
our regularly schedule program.
We had a discussion about rewards and balance. Even as I recognized that my relationship
with food needed work, I didn’t really think about balance. I wasn’t really
concerned about if my new ideals were realistic or healthy. I just liked that
they were new and maybe they would be my secret weapon.
See my new diet was working but I felt bad. I wrote last
week about accepting myself as I am. I was coming to this realization because I
really felt like I had to move on to the next phase of my new regime. The first
phase just was not bringing me all the benefits I wanted and the ones that were
there came at too high of a cost. But I
felt like a loser for not being able to stick to the plan. I needed someone to
tell me it was ok to move on.
News flash! If something is not working and you move on, you
are not a loser. It is not a character weakness to decide that you want to
change your diet. Now, if I was looking for approval to eat junk food we would
be having a different discussion. But I
am running crazy distances and the lack of carbs was not working. As my friend
pointed out, books are set for 1 size fits all but you have to tweak for
yourself if it is ever going to work. If I wanted to move on that was probably
better for me than sticking to the plan no matter what.
Then we talked about rewards. I feel bad that I reward myself with food. It
can be incredibly self sabotaging. Now, I don’t believe in denying myself
either. That method is a great way to BINGE on things. But why is the “reward”
for a success cheesecake. My friend
asked me what it would be instead. Rewards are pleasure seeking things. They
are supposed to make us feel good. If I don’t want to use food ok, but
recognize that no reward may be healthy or good or practical. It is not really
supposed to be. So use moderation and caution but give myself permission to
reward myself.
But what I got out of the conversation was more than
approval – for moving on or for having rewards. I realized that I really do not
have a healthy balanced relationship with food. I am using food as something
more than energy for my body. I have made it more than yummy tasteful stuff to
enjoy. I have made it into almost an idol. I am spending way too much time
serving the god of Food when it should be serving me and my activities.
I am left with big questions to answer. I won’t lie I have
no clue what the answers may be; I am still figuring out the questions! But I
feel like I am slowly but surely getting to the right start. If I can keep
pushing toward the questions, I can start working on the answers. I know this will be hard. I felt something in
me panic the more we talked. But I know one thing – I have NEVER backed away
from the good fight!
This post is so similar to last week’s post. When you come
to the same conclusion from two different directions, you should pay
attention. I think this is what I need
to work on right now. I think I am ready to do this.
I do know that I am determined to take this journey. I will learn to
accept myself. I will learn how to eat to be the best me I can be. I will learn
to find and keep balance. I will also take a deep breath and go do something
else. I am positive part of being
balanced is learning to NOT obsess. :)
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