What's eating me? - Food part two

So my self-discovery journey continues. I spent some great girl time with a dear friend this weekend. She helped me explore my relationship to food even more.  Egads people, I have some real food issues. :)

First, let me interrupt this program for an emergency announcement. I tend to obsess about things. I also tend to take anything to an extreme. I know, shocking…  Now, back to our regularly schedule program.

We had a discussion about rewards and balance.  Even as I recognized that my relationship with food needed work, I didn’t really think about balance. I wasn’t really concerned about if my new ideals were realistic or healthy. I just liked that they were new and maybe they would be my secret weapon.  

See my new diet was working but I felt bad. I wrote last week about accepting myself as I am. I was coming to this realization because I really felt like I had to move on to the next phase of my new regime. The first phase just was not bringing me all the benefits I wanted and the ones that were there came at too high of a cost.  But I felt like a loser for not being able to stick to the plan. I needed someone to tell me it was ok to move on.

News flash! If something is not working and you move on, you are not a loser. It is not a character weakness to decide that you want to change your diet. Now, if I was looking for approval to eat junk food we would be having a different discussion.  But I am running crazy distances and the lack of carbs was not working. As my friend pointed out, books are set for 1 size fits all but you have to tweak for yourself if it is ever going to work. If I wanted to move on that was probably better for me than sticking to the plan no matter what.

Then we talked about rewards.  I feel bad that I reward myself with food. It can be incredibly self sabotaging. Now, I don’t believe in denying myself either. That method is a great way to BINGE on things. But why is the “reward” for a success cheesecake.  My friend asked me what it would be instead. Rewards are pleasure seeking things. They are supposed to make us feel good. If I don’t want to use food ok, but recognize that no reward may be healthy or good or practical. It is not really supposed to be. So use moderation and caution but give myself permission to reward myself. 

But what I got out of the conversation was more than approval – for moving on or for having rewards. I realized that I really do not have a healthy balanced relationship with food. I am using food as something more than energy for my body. I have made it more than yummy tasteful stuff to enjoy. I have made it into almost an idol. I am spending way too much time serving the god of Food when it should be serving me and my activities.

I am left with big questions to answer. I won’t lie I have no clue what the answers may be; I am still figuring out the questions! But I feel like I am slowly but surely getting to the right start. If I can keep pushing toward the questions, I can start working on the answers.  I know this will be hard. I felt something in me panic the more we talked. But I know one thing – I have NEVER backed away from the good fight!   

This post is so similar to last week’s post. When you come to the same conclusion from two different directions, you should pay attention.  I think this is what I need to work on right now. I think I am ready to do this. 

I do know that I am determined to take this journey. I will learn to accept myself. I will learn how to eat to be the best me I can be. I will learn to find and keep balance. I will also take a deep breath and go do something else.  I am positive part of being balanced is learning to NOT obsess. :)

Food – Glorious Food

I am from the south with a grandmother that could cook heaven on earth.  I am an emotional eater – dopamine is good feeling stuff.  I have always worried about my weight, lack of tone and shape.  All of this is to say, I have spent a better part of my life obsessing about food.  I like it. I like to eat it. It likes me too and likes to stay around me as fat!!

Last year, I was finally able to make a lifestyle change and lose almost 30 pounds. I am 5’2 people. 30 pounds means I was very overweight!  At first, I was very good about maintaining those good habits. Then as you might suspect, I got a little lazy. But no worries – I had found running and it saved me. Then after a while, I compensated for that too. L  Eventually, I found myself 3 pounds heavier than my desired weight and I couldn’t get rid of it.  Now, I get that 3 pounds is not a lot but it is 10% of my total weight loss.  Plus, most ladies will tell you, 3 pounds becomes 30 pounds with 1 french fry!

Realistically, my new weight was not a bad weight. I felt pretty good. I looked good mostly. But my tummy was the home of the new 3 pounds. I could already see the end of the road. Too tight pants morphing into a new size morphing into fat Stacey returns.  Plus, it just sucks to work so hard and still have a fat tummy.

So I researched and found another new thing to try. By posting on FB, I also got advice from a skating buddy. Life changing moment peeps. See, all of my focus was on food and how to eat it. But my friend helped me look at my relationship with food. Why I had the thoughts I did about food? Why I reacted as I did and what I was really after? You know what; I was focusing on food because I didn’t want to focus on me.  I didn’t want to acknowledge that my goal and self image may be a little out of whack.

I am such a work in progress. But how fortunate that we can grow and change. I may always have my food tummy. I may never have rock hard abs. But I am ok with that. I will eat right. I will continue to skate and run and do all the supporting activities for those sports. I will continue to condition and strengthen. I will love my body that lets me do these things. More than that I will accept that body and honor it. And I will learn to view food as just fuel; nothing more and nothing less.  I have to remember I may not be where I want to be but at least I am trying to get there!