Despicable Me

I have been one big grouch for a couple of weeks. I mean full on prickly everything is wrong just irritated at the world 24/7. Think a walking cactus with a grudge. Lol. It has been awful. But I am better now. 

Of course, I didn’t like being grouchy. It isn’t fun and is kind of exhausting. I am also big on pondering. So I wanted to know why I was grouchy. I was hoping finding the answer would make it go away. (This is my basic life philosophy. Figure it out, fix it and then all is right with the world. ) After about 10 seconds, I realized it was because I am a horrible person. The truth hurts but eh… It is what it is.

Let me say, this is not an attempt to get my friends to say that I am wonderful. I am a pretty decent person. As the bible says, only God is good but I try my best with his help. I think I am a good friend or at least my friends can tolerate me for short periods of time.  So I don’t really need reassurances that I am the bee’s knees. I am instead confessing to some habits and tendency that make me a horrible person.  I am quite despicable and it came back to bite me. 

• Self Absorbed – I spend quite a bit of time thinking about myself. I think about what I want to do next; what my next objective will be. I am constantly evaluating my performance, my habits etc. I spend a lot of time by myself and that time is spent in contemplation… about me.
•   Inflated ego – I think I am a pretty good – insert anything here. I think I am a pretty good programmer; mom; skater; runner; employee; person. I am definitely convinced that I have great opinions on everything. I am quite sure that most people are idiots.. except for me and most of my friends.  Perhaps, I should also add judgmental to the list
• Attention hog – I love for people to notice what I am doing and compliment me. But none of those backhanded compliments. Those are just insults. People should recognize my greatness for what it is.. GREATNESS
•  Machiavellian – I will do whatever is necessary to get what I want. I will listen to you babble about your stuff so I can talk about myself uninterrupted. I will even let you go first because the second person gets to talk the longest. (That is a free tip from me to you!)

Seriously people, I am despicable…  I have been grouchy because other people have not been thinking about me or showering me with praise or even allowing me to get what I want. Oh, the inhumanity of it all.  Or maybe I have just been a little tired, hungry and lonely. 

My new schedule is just hard. I am pushing myself in ways I never have before. Ever. This is not me returning to my glory days. This is me doing things I should have done while young. J Not only am I working at becoming an athlete but I am doing it by waking up at 4 am. I hate being a morning person. I would rather stay up until 4 am than wake up at 4 am.  So I am very tired.

Added to that fun are the new nutritional demands of my body. I am a horrible eater in general. Since I lost weight I have corrected some habits but not my preferences. I still eat way too MUCH fast food and way too LITTLE fresh food and veggies.  This is not good for maintaining my new weight or for supporting my body. These new activities take fuel and the right fuel.  So I am very hungry.

But the real thing is I am lonely. Having my baby home makes me realize I spend a lot of time alone. Just having her in the house to watch TV with is amazing. I love that she is here and we can share time together. I love that we schedule things to be sure we do maximize this time. And it is that fact that really drives home the point. See she is making an effort to do something with me- just me.  I do all sorts of group things. I spend time with lots of people. But she is making it all about me. I like that. I want more of it.  

I feel better now. I rested. I ate better.  I ,also, got a couple of me moments from my long lost twin. She let me vent without interruption during a shopping visit.  She noticed I was fighting fear big time while skating and told me to breath. She gave me her attention just because and she gave it all to me for those moments.  She is the best.  Between her thoughtfulness and my DD’s love, I got over my grouchy mood.

I also got better because while the truth hurts it is what it is. I am lonely and that is ok. It makes me accept more social invitations. It keeps me from being a hermit locked in a room reading. It is keeping me open to the idea of dating and socializing with strangers.  It is forcing me to make real connections with people instead of sitting back and watching the action.  God let me feel this loneliness to remind me I need other people. I need to enjoy the connections and stop focusing on myself. I need to get a life and get over myself.  I will embrace this truth; learn its hard lessons and be better for it. 

I should probably also work on those despicable me attributes too.   

What about you? Have you learned any hard truths about yourself lately? What are you going to do with the information?

This is it

You are supposed to train like it is competition and compete like it is training. The idea behind this simple gem is basically fool your brain so you can relax and get it done. I have never really understood this truth until two weekends ago in Cleveland.

My Theatre on Ice team was in Cleveland to do our Choreographic Exercise and our Free skate. We were not only competing for National ranking but a berth on the US team to go to Nation’s Cup in Spain. No pressure right… Oh, did I mention that they were only going to send 2 adult teams to Nation’s Cup. So if we wanted to go, we needed to win. No worries, the reigning champions had only won the event EVERY year!! Oy

I was way nervous all year. I am the lowest level skater on the planet trying to skate with superb skaters. I fake so many steps I am not sure I did one sequence as choreographed. Lol.  So I spent the better part of the year just hoping I could blend in. Then add to that the actual pressure of competition and our chance to represent the US internationally. Yay, I was a little stressed.

My coach told me it would be fine. Competing with the team is not nearly as stressful as solo competition. I could only hope she was right as it was way too late to change my mind. And like most sage wisdom offered by coaches, she was, in fact, right! 

I stepped onto our practice ice and took a deep breath. Then I took a few more. I just told myself to let go and get it done. Even with all my faking, I did have muscle memory. I found myself going through the routines just like I do at home. Since I gave it my all at every practice, this was not a bad thing. 

In fact, it was great! The trick worked.  By the time my mind re-engaged we were seconds away from our second skate being over in the actual competition. I got through 3 practices. I competed 2 events. 5 times on the ice without sheer panic overwhelming me. My body just acted like it was a practice.  My mind relaxed. Dare I say it, it was actually fun! 

When I realized it was over, I was so amazed. I had done it and enjoyed it.  This was it. This was all that hard work coming together. This was the wisdom of practicing like competition coming true for me. I love it when you are smart enough to listen to the wisdom around you!

What about you? Have you found some old gem to be true recently? Ever you amazed at just how true it was?

The Mustard Seed

The story of my start to skate goes like this – a random joke with my daughter; a friend suddenly deciding to skate; my daughter sharing the joke with her coach; hearing a piece of music that I wanted to skate a program to and finally convincing my friend that I would support her mad whim if she supported mine!  It was a series of completely random, out of the blue moments. But, yet it wasn’t; not really.

See my skating dream started as a kid watching figure skating on TV. We would write the dates of any televised events on the calendar to be sure we wouldn’t miss them. After each show, we would strap on the socks and skate on the wood/tile floors. We were pretty good – meaning no one was ever injured in our floor skating.

Then I had a little athlete that needed a sport that allowed her to progress or not at her own level without waiting for her peers.  As luck would have it, a rink was opening near us. It seemed like the perfect outlet.  Once she was firmly hooked, I realized that I could very easily start living my girlhood dreams through her.  I NEVER wanted that so I started taking lessons. I learned a few moves. I did a show and a competition. Then I decided some dreams belong to childhood and moved on.

But that little seed of an idea – an adult Stacey skating – never really died. It went into hiding. Sure enough once we moved to Florida, I found myself back on the ice. Once again, I did a couple of lessons and then put it away again. Mustard seeds are tough stuff. Because my dream still didn’t die. It just waited for the right moment.

Finally, the moment came. My little athlete was grown. My budget no longer had to support her sport. My time was not only my own but wide open. So I made a joke with my daughter; a friend suddenly decided to skate; my daughter shared our joke with her coach; I heard a piece of music that I wanted to skate a program to and this time the seed was growing into a tree! 

See that dream propelled me to lose weight (to skate better); to start exercising (to skate faster, better and with more control); to form new friendships (adult skaters at TWO rinks). I tell everyone who will listen that skating changed my life.  I mean it! I am in better shape at (cough) 41 than I have ever been!

I have spent months wondering why this time was different. I wondered what inspired me to act this time. Why I was able to make this HUGE commitment to skating now. But then I realized that this thing, this dream has been growing a long time. I was just lucky enough that it didn’t die while it waited for the right time to grow. No, I was not lucky; I was blessed!

By the way, do you know that the mustard seed is the smallest seed but the biggest tree? You should see how big my dream tree is!